Things aren’t going to plan

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My anxiety has been a cloud all around me these past few weeks. I’m able to get out of the house but if it’s something I don’t want to do, like going to work, I want to hide from the world.
I need to know exactly what is going on & what is going to happen. If it’s something new to me, I want to freak out and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve cancelled a ‘few’ shifts with one job this year and now I’m only able to book 24hrs ahead. I went into Brighton last Saturday ready to throw myself into a shift on a ward I’d never worked at before but before I’d even gotten off the bus I had decided not to go. Strangely I wasn’t freaking out about doing the shift or the fact that I had just blown it off. I decided to cancel my next 2 shifts due to a cold/flu basically spending all my time in bed over the weekend.
It was on Monday when I was enquiring about shifts for this Friday that I got an email with an attached letter, dated 6th January, stating that I had had all my shifts cancelled and I was only to book 24hrs before! If I had actually gone in for that Saturday shift I would have been turned away anyway.

Since then I have booked a shift for tonight and waiting on confirmation of a shift for tomorrow night. I have also been approved and started at the agency I recently joined. I have a shift Saturday night and then earlies all next week. The pay isn’t as good as the hospital for nights & weekends but it is for days and it’s more local. I am going to give this a try if I don’t like the care home I just won’t go back.

I am still waiting on a date to go for my induction at the private hospital. They asked for my availability in Feb, so I gave them that and also said I’m free the rest of January. Haven’t heard back just yet.

To top things off, I have gone into my OD which I can’t afford to get out of. My food order was meant to be paid on PayPal credit (yes I know bad me) but in fact, it came out of my bank account and I have no money other than like £12 cash for the rest of the month. Thankfully My jobs are weekly paid so I’ll have money next Friday & I get my student loan start of Feb.

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So I had a meltdown as at Christmas event on Sunday. I don’t know what really went on I don’t remember much of it. One min I’m having a great time the next I’m in tears and feeling all alone. I can’t face seeing the people I was with that day (other than OH) or going to that pub for a long time. In fact, I don’t even want to leave the house. I called in sick for my placement yesterday and cancel my bank shift for today. Now I need to make up those hours and that pay.

Speaking of pay, I have no idea how I am going to pay the bills in January or the CCJ if I get one. One thing going my way (I think) is that I might be able to push the ccj back to January by saying I can’t do the mediation on 12th December. I can’t see I’d get a court date for December. Also, Moriarty never show up to court so it goes against them.

I’m feeling very down at the moment, not saying much at all and looking distant.

One good piece of news. I got my final uni marks yesterday and I got 88% on one of the components!!! I’ve never had anything like that before. Due to having 2 very poor marks, my overall grade will be sitting on the border of 2:2/2:1 but I’m happy with that. On;y the OSCE to come back but no-one ever fails that.

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Life: Starting a new job

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On July 15th I ending my time on the Emergency Floor to start a new job within theatres (eyes!!). I had been with the Emergency Floor for nearly 4 years and I needed a change, I needed something that would work with my uni. The eye hospital was just that (or so I hope).

I actually had the interview back in March 2018 and was waiting for my references for two whole months. During this time it had already been agreed that I would start the week of 16th July. I picked this date because (1) I needed to give 4 weeks notice and (2) it was just after I had completed my 2 short Monday-Friday uni placements.

Eventually at the start of June I got the all clear to start, my manager contacted HR to give then a start date and I received my training schedule and contracts (perm + bank). Then that was all I heard, I wasn’t hearing anything from my manager and was starting to think I was just going to have to go with my bank position and forget the perm job. I set up manual handling training and awaited a date for a supernumerary shift before I could go out on my own.  Around the same time I decided to give the perm job another chance and I fired off an email to the manager. I actually got a reply asking me to call as they had assumed that I was started the week of the 16th (so did I). At this point is already was that week, but as I’d never had any word from them that my shifts were definitely going to be only Thursday + Friday due to uni I assumed they were still working on it. 

So my shifts are Thursday – Friday 8am to 6pm with on call every Thursday night and every 1 in 4 weekends. I’m still not quiet sure how I will manage on call as I don’t live local and getting there within the hours could prove to be difficult but we will see what happens. 

Going back to the bank contract, as soon as it was fully confirmed I was starting my perm job I contacted the bank office. I no longer need to do the supernumerary shift but can only work in my own department for the first 3 months then I can work anywhere as long as my manager is happen. 

I’m starting to think my time with this trust could be short, I may have to give up my perm role if my uni placements get funny or I get another Mon-Fri placement next year. Also bank are not online like my last trust, you get an email at the start of the month with available shifts and then you have to ring them, this I don’t like. Bank pay is also monthly in arrears for the first time then you can ask to get paid weekly. Therefore anything I do this month won’t get paid till end of September!

I will take this role as far as I can as I am currently really liking it but maybe in the future I’ll have to change again. 

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Life: Trying to balance everything

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Sometime it can be hard to balance everything going on in your life, I haven’t gotten it figured out just yet. How do you balance everything?

For me I have work + uni + fitness + lazyness


I have a 23 hour a week contract but only work 19 hours, the missing hours need to be caught up on at some point, 5 weeks equals 10 hours so 2 days. This can be difficult as I don’t work weekends or bank holidays. 

With a 1 hr plus commute and being on call on Thursdays I have very little time those evenings. I can sometimes get off work early on Fridays and maybe I’ll meet my partner for drinks in Brighton. 

I basically write off work days as just that work.


I go to uni Monday + Tuesday all day and Wednesday half days. Sometimes I finish early on Mondays & Tuesdays too. I start back at uni February 2019 and I’m there for 4 weeks before I start placements.


This can be any day of the week, but only 3 days unless I need to make up hours. 


This is the hardest one to fit in with the rest, that and I can be very lazy at times 😉 I fit in a gym session before uni and on days when I’m not at uni/placement/work etc 

So where does this leave me?

I haven’t figured this out yet. I need to write everything in a diary/calendar. I want to try and fit in 3 sessions a week unless I’m in a lazy mood. I can fit gym sessions in before uni but not before work and on my free days. Fitting in anything at other times can be tricky and fitting in Crossfit is another matter. Crossfit isn’t close enough to a train station or at convenient times for me to go before uni so I have resigned myself to go Wednesday evenings and weekends when at uni and weekends & any free day when at placement.

It;s going to be hard but I’m sure I can work things out and remember to listen to my body and take rest days.

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Life: Uni update…


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There hasn’t been much movement of late in regards to university info. I have been waiting for the day I could set up my student account.

Well the day finally arrived on 29th November, exactly two months before I start uni. I managed to set up my student gmail account as well as register at the uni. I can’t now see details module information but no timetable. I still need to do ID checks once there, complete my student card and occ health forms.

It is slowly all happening.

I don’t have my timetable yet but I have emailed them to ask what days I’ll be in at least. I need to let work know. I have decided to leave my current role at the end of March 2018 as I don’t want to commit to 23 hours EVERY week, I am however staying on the bank and aiming to do 5 – 6 shifts a month.

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University: A possible change in working schedule


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My original plan was to drop to only working one day a week (12.5hrs) so I’d have time to study as well as time off from both. Now that doesn’t appear to be possible. Matron has said that the min hours we can work is 23 so that means if I plan to stay (and I need the money) I have to work two days a week.

For the first year this is do-able as this year is basic and doesn’t count towards my final grade but for years 2+3 this could be a struggle. I’ve know people who have managed to work every weekend but that is not something that I want to do. I plan to carry on and see how things go, if needs be I’ll need to look for agency work so it is more flexible and still good pay.

What do you think I should do?

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